Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
