I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
