i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
