My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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