last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
