Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
