toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
