I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I cut my penus on the lid.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
