My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Let's paint friendship bongs
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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