I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.