i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Sorry about my life...