he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
