I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
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