You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
