you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
