i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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