found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
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While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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