dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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