made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
