What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
