apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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