I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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