When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
