I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
