Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
did i just pee glitter
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
