this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
