i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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