He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
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I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
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No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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