i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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