What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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