Betty ford says i'm here all night
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
