In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
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when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
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I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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