I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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