I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
