At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
