that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
