I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
