Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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