happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I broke a rule
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.