I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
