he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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