this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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