Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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