i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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