If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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