1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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