I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
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