there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
