don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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