Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
