Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
