Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
