I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
