The maid of honor just puked.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
