The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
