my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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